Dear God,

somehow even though I've drown older there's still this feeling of wanting to hide under the covers and never getting out of bed again. Only thing different is that I now feel more alone than ever, not least because I time again seem to be rejected in every circle I am forced into.

It's been time to grow up for years now, and I ought to have learnt that You have gotten me through every season of life thus far, and you can help me through to the future too.

And I AM grateful for what I have. It's just that I feel like my life is going nowhere, and I only have immediate aims like getting through the week, the month or the year. And then what?

Please help me.

Sometimes when I study I feel sad.

I feel sad for everyone suffering from the horrible diseases I'm learning about.

And I feel sad for everyone whose lives are going to be changed forever one day by these same horrible diseases.

And I feel sad that there's only so much medicine can do.

And so I feel sad for myself, because, even after all that, I'm still sitting there studying instead of living life to the fullest with the people who mean the most to me.

tuesday, thursday. april, august. autumn, winter. next year, some year.

it's called burn your bridges start again. You should burn them now and then.

Reasons not to fail MBBS:
you will have to do ortho again. do you even grasp how bad that will be?!

187.

Never judge a book by its cover.
The thing that counts is what's inside.

But then how does one select a book? By reputation? That wouldn't be any less dangerous.

Short of reading all the books in the world, I guess then we will never be able to tell their true worth. So maybe sometimes a paragraph of 2000 characters is more important than we'll ever know.

Never judge a lady by her lover.
It isn't a reliable guide.

But no one dared to query her superior exterior.

There are so many excuses. There are so many lies. And there are so many reasons for everything I can't or maybe won't do. But what am I more afraid of? Failure or regret?

Is this the beginning of the end, or simply the end of the beginning? I don't even want to want to know.



The road goes on; ever, ever on. 

But it

hardly comes to mind, does it?

 My Olympic syndrome every two years comes around. Who would have thought 10 along I would still be the same. Well, not quite the same. And I guess where I am now is not totally unexpected.

I'm happy. Or at least I am satisfied, and maybe that's where happiness begins.

Though I always hoped I would be someone by twenty-two, and now it's hard to think I will be anything anytime. But maybe I need to take a break and wake up too.

And I think it's getting sad, that every two years that goes by my life becomes more and more cluttered, and necessity trumps desire nearly every time.

but why? Is it because of some eternal implication? or is it just because of some past habit that is difficult to change?

I might need to break free. Or maybe just surrender.

wow that was smart.
ok, summary then : you don't need me so i'm withdrawing. maybe i fall for the fools who i think need saving from themselves. ugh.

I think i'd miss you if i hadn't met you.
you know, I think you're lucky I love you so much. Though I mean that in a totally platonic way.

Maybe I can't handle your secrets. but you know, i've always been here, and i think, i will be for time to come.

But please don't lean on me too much, because maybe i don't have anyone to lean on, or maybe i choose not to have anyone to lean on. And right now I'm not sure what to do.

I want to leave, but then, who's going to take care of you? Not that I really think I am that important, but it would be awfully cruel, wouldn't it? I mean, the problem probably lies with me anyway so why should you pay?

But in a way it's not fair to me, is it? because honestly you don't care about me right? actions speak louder than words, my dear, and yours are certainly screaming right about now, no matter how hard the words are trying to drown them out.

So why should I care so much about selfish people who don't give a damn about me? maybe it's just because I do.

And so I guess I'll be here, but please try to be kind. or at least open your eyes and see that I'm not happy either.